Last night I was sitting at home, alone, for the first time all Christmas. I’ve basically, and perhaps regretfully, tried, (and pretty much succeeded) sleeping my way right through Christmas this year.
I just didn’t really want to be present for it. Christmas Eve last year I had accepted a proposal and planned to spend the rest of my life with my then fiancé.
This year, I’m the only single adult among my entire family. And I’ve got a huge family.
So, last night I’m at home taking some time to myself and I’m having another nap, or trying to, when I start thinking to myself, when this thought hits me, that goes pretty much like this:
“Dude, I can do whatever I want to do. If I want to open my eyes and go to the kitchen and make two grilled cheese sandwiches for myself I can do that. If I want to look at booking a flight to Bora Bora, I can do that too. I’m a working professional. I have an amazing job, an amazing group of friends, a supportive family, why am I trying to sleep through a life that I CHOSE.”
And honest to God, my eyes came open, I got to my feet and I went to the kitchen. I thought perhaps two grilled cheeses might be excessive and so I started with one…
But, as the fates would allow, I burnt the first one to smithereens and had to make a second one anyways.
I, Mandy Halbot, do not have to eat a burnt grilled cheese sandwich if I don’t want to eat it. I didn’t scrape the burnt top. Nope, I threw in straight in the trash can and I started over.
And voila, there I was, a 27 year old, newly single, albeit amazing woman making myself however many grilled cheese sandwiches I wanted…
This is meant to be both kinda funny in a sarcastic, dramatic fashion but also kinda serious.
Beacuse I can do and go and eat whatever the hell I want too. I mean, this life belongs to…well, me.
And I’m not going to say that I don’t need anyone, because the truth is, I believe, actually I know, we all need people. We all need folks we can rely on and who want the best for us.
And I have a network of amazing friends and family around me. All of whom are dealing with their own stuff.
But, you also need to learn how to be happy on your own, alone, by yourself in your own kitchen or your mothers kitchen or wherever the heck you are right now.
You need to learn how to sit and be with yourself and realize that you are the protagonist in your life story. This is your narrative. This is my narrative. Where do I want this story to take me? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to keep in it and at one point do I decide it’s time to close a chapter on a beautiful and important piece of my journey?
And the beautiful point is, for the most part, you get to decide where you take yourself. You get to decide what it is you want. And guess what? All the answers are always just completely and totally within yourself. You already know what you want, you’ve just got to listen for it.
This year started off one way, and it’s ending off on a different note. And that, my friend, is all a part of it. Life isn’t static. Life is ever changing, like a river, and you are ever growing and in the end everything is going to be okay.
Okay and even better than that if you just follow your heart. Eat a grilled cheese or two. Book yourself a vacation if you need it.
And stay true to you.