IMG_2935So, here goes!!! Over the past few months a tonne of people have reached out to me, asking me what’s happened to me, what’s going on, wondering where’s the next blog? Or when I’m going to get back at it. And then my mother calls me today and asks whether I’m going to get back to blogging soon…

22,000 reads, and then I just disappeared into thin air…

The truth is, my blog was and is a place where I kept and want to keep things real. Keepin’ it real is so important to me. This blog is a place where I was real and genuine and honest with myself and with all of you on how I felt about all the struggles… of the day to day, and the beauty of life, and just life in general…

And then one day, I went silent. Radio silence. You’ve not heard a single word from me in months. What’s happened? What happened to me? What’s going on in my life?

As I write this, tears flood my eyes. Because I still don’t know where to start. Some stuff is just meant to be kept personal ya know, and how do I open up about what’s going on in my heart? In my heart of hearts?

It’s one thing to talk about anxiety and the experience of depression. It’s a whole new thing to talk about failure and failing at a relationship.

And so radio silence. Because, well, because my life has become surreal to me. How do I keep it real when I don’t even feel real? How can I express my innermost thoughts and feelings when I’m really not sure what I’m thinking or what I’m feeling right now?

The amount of times I have questioned, “What is this life?” In the past three months would blow your mind! Seriously, what is this life?!

It’s a crazy, wild, adventure. Sometimes it’s super fun and sometimes it just plain sucks. Some days are just, well, they’re just hard. Others are wonderful.

And despite all this, I still believe that everything, the good, the bad and the terrible are essentially perfect. Because I believe the universe has a way of placing us exactly where we are suppose to be whenever we’re supposed to be there. Of unfolding itself beautifully. That the totality of the choices we make and the things we go through, ultimately lead us to wherever we need to be.

And living, my darling, is learning. I’ve learned so much about myself in the past few months. I hiked through the interior of Northern Labrador for nearly two weeks in October, on some intense soul searching adventure, basically living off the land with Innu women and girls. Set up camp each night. Climbed mountains and hills, and made my way through terrain that left me in tears.

I told my best friend, who I have only recently been able to discuss this with, “well, things ended and then I went into the woods for a couple weeks..”

and before I could finish my sentence, she was all like, “you went into the woods!?! of course you did!”

And we both laughed, because, well… WHAT?! I just went into the woods, like yah would!

Anyways…

I’ve kind of been in a hole, and I’ve kind of felt comfort in shutting myself off. I’ve avoided everything around me. I’m not the type to miss birthdays, or special events, or whatever, but I have found myself purposefully missing out on everything lately.

Thanksgiving, and Easter and Remembrance Day and birthdays have come and gone, and I wasn’t even present. It’s been like a haze. And I’ve been, well, completely selfish. And I’ve needed to be. I’m only now starting to reflect on all of that.

I’ve been just taking care of me. And so, it is what it is. Sorry if I didn’t wish you a happy birthday, or if I missed wishing you a happy thanksgiving…these last couple of months I’ve just been extra vigilant in caring for myself.

I recently came to the end of an eight year relationship. And the truth is, I’m still trying to figure that out, and what that even means.

I’m 27 years old. The entire path I saw before me, just switched tracks, and I’m now on a new train, that’s just about to emerge from a dark tunnel, on a track without any known destination. It’s wild. It’s scary. And some days it’s exhilarating. And it’s always overwhelming.

I’m over here wondering silently to myself, what next? Where do I go from here? Who am I? What do I want? What’s important to me?

I’m trying to, I guess, know myself which puts me in mind of this quote I read today by Aristotle which goes like this, “knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

And, yes, I know that I have some answers to some of those questions. But I’ve only ever known myself as part of a couple. I’ve never been, I guess, single in my entire adult life. And this is where I’m at now.

It’s 2017. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. You can be happy all on your own. Life is a gift. And it’s so short. And it’s your gift. And it’s your happiness that’s most important.

You can’t light up the life of another if you haven’t yet found your own shine. Figure out you and do it for you.

It’s like we have this idea in our heads that we’re going to live forever. We make plans, we make money, we invest in a future, when the reality is that sometimes that future never comes. And sometimes it looks a hell of a lot different than you once imagined.

Seriously, all this future planning that we do, day in and day out, is not nearly as important as what we do with our day to day. If you can choose to be happy, just choose it! Choose it right now. And be alive in that. Be at peace with that.

I promise to keep writing, for you and for me.

Mandy

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