Today, I’m having one of those days where my brain just feels a little heavy. Like right in the front of my head. Right in the middle, there’s this weird, stupid alarming pressure. This tension. They, them being the docs, refer to this shit as tension headaches, brought on by…you guessed it, my lifelong companion, anxiety.

And anxiety is so physiological. When I breathe, my lungs feel a little heavier. My body is moving a little slower. Aches and pains. Tell it to my body, to my soul that this shit is all in my mind.

You see, the body is the capsule for the soul. And mind, body and soul are three interwoven entities that make up the health of the entire system. Of the entire human. Of me. Of me, Mandy.

A healthy mind, means a healthy body, means a healthy soul. And, well, an unhealthy mind, well, you get the picture. It’s opposite land.

There are tears today, locked up somewhere, but they’re not coming. They’re not flowing. I’m not allowing it. I don’t want to cry. And, honestly, I haven’t cried in so long. I’m done crying.

Because I’m scared that if I allow myself to cry. If I cry, maybe I might fall apart. And I’m so done with that too. So, so done. I tell myself I’m too strong to cry. And I know that’s irrational.

Everyone cries. Everyone hurts. I can cry, too, if I want. I just don’t think it’d help. I feel like I’d end up feeling sorry for myself. And I’m not sorry for myself. It’s not self-pity that I need. It’s just time. It’s just a little more time for these stupid emotions to run their damned course.

It’s just one of those days. One of those days when my anxiety is running its own funky carnival, and these fucking laughing clowns are everywhere and are really driving me insane.

Did I mention how much I hate clowns?

Anyway, it’s just one of those days when it’s a fight to find the motivation to do the hundred things I need to do. The hundred things that are probably responsible for this weight in the first place.

But I’ll do them. I’ll get er done.

I’ll keep pushing. I keep on moving. Because the race is worth this little stitch. And I’m just going to walk it off for a couple hours.

I’m going to take a quick rest. Because I’m feeling, well, a little more tired right now than usual.

And has my whole, entire day been bogged down? No, it hasn’t. I’ve already laughed a hundred times today. And it’s in the times that I’ve laughed, and a genuine smile has passed through my lips, that I’ve tilted my head up at the sky, and I’ve thanked the universe that I’m alive.

I thank the universe, because it’s in those moments, I remember that this life is so unreal crazy, and I’m far from alone.

We’re all trying to figure this life out right?



One thought on “Trying to Figure This Life Out

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