shell-2012-002-back-shot-womans-head-roadOne of the hardest, most difficult things with living with waves of anxiety and depression is perhaps not even the anxiety and the depression itself, but rather instead, not allowing myself the permission to be okay with, well, not being okay.

If you struggle with it, like me, like the way I do, it’s often as if you get mad at yourself for having an off hour, off morning, or an off day. Or week, or month, or year.

When I think about anxiety and depression I try to look at it from a different lens. Basically to try to put it in perspective, or give it a new perspective so I can better understand it.

For instance, depression and anxiety  can be thought of as a weight or as a rock.

It’s almost as though you’re carrying this weight, and when it becomes much too heavy, or you need to sit that weight down for a minute, and maybe cry, that you feel, I dunno, almost disappointed in yourself.

And often, or at least at times, it’s like you feel or you worry that perhaps you’re not strong enough. Perhaps it really is too heavy.

So, I need to know I can sit that weight down for a second and give myself a rest. And moreover, I need to know that that’s okay. I need to be able to tell myself, you know, that this is perfectly okay.

Because the reality is, I am strong enough, but sometimes I get tired and I need a second before I can continue on. I need a second before I lift  that weight back up and carry on. I need a freakin’ break. And that’s perfectly okay. And I need to be comfortable in knowing that.

So, if I need to sit down, or stop what I’m doing, and stop bravely carrying around that weight for a second, then I need to be okay with that and I need you to be okay with me not being okay. I need you to be okay with that too.

If I tell you I need an hour to myself. If I stop speaking so much, or if I stop cracking jokes, please don’t ask me why I’m so quiet. I just need some quiet time. My worlds not falling apart, I’m just a little un-okay.

I’ll bounce back, but just give me some time, because I need it and I need your support. I can give myself the permission I need from myself, but I also need you to give me the reassurance that I need from you, that I can do this. That it’s okay when I’m not okay.

It’s a struggle to accept your emotions for what they are. Especially when it’s a bright, sunny, day and you’re feeling a little off. It really is. And it’s a struggle to be kind to yourself, when you’re mad with yourself for being, well, not entirely yourself. Even though, being not yourself is actually just a part of being yourself anyways.

Jeeze, it’s so confusing! Anxiety is like a bomb site.

And this truly is such a beautiful life. And life, well it’s such a wonderful gift. And do I ever know that. I’m a truly fortunate person. And I know that too.

But the gift of life is heavy sometimes. And at times I need a break.

And I’m giving myself that permission today. That permission to be okay with just not being okay.

Much love,

Mandy

 

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