An Open Letter To The Man I didn’t love
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to love you. I’m sorry that what was a friendship for me, grew into a romance for you. But, you know what? You know what I’m not sorry for? And that’s the way you were able to make me feel okay again. After everything in my life had fallen apart and turned to shit, you became a bright light in a dim corner.
I’m not entirely sorry though, because I can’t be sorry for the way you made me laugh on that long drive. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know where I would be right now. You made me feel human again. And I can’t be sorry for that. Grateful? Yes. I am so grateful. I owe you my life. I do. I really, honestly do. But I can’t be sorry for that.
You were my hero. You saved my life. Marilyn Monroe once said, “a guy that can make a girl laugh, can make a girl do anything.” Well, I believe that. And had we had more time, maybe things would have been different.
But we parted ways, and I met the man that I am about to marry. A great man. You’d like him. Everyone likes him. And I love him.
You helped me in ways that you’ll never understand. You helped me to keep pushing onwards. And I’m sorry if I broke your heart. I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t that I couldn’t have loved you. The time just wasn’t right.
The way you looked at me, the way we both laughed from the bottom of our bellies helped to restore me. You didn’t know it. And maybe you didn’t think that was fair? I don’t think you did. But I hadn’t laughed in so long until you came along and helped me back on the path of the living.
I didn’t mean for you to fall for me. I didn’t mean to break your heart. I swear. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I loved you. Just not in the same way that you began to love me.
You know, I can still hear your voice in my head. You are such your own person.
I can still see me asking you “what???” a thousand times over, just to make you repeat whatever it was you were saying. And then laugh as you gradually realized I was just messing with you.
I’m getting married and I wish you could come to see me walk down the aisle and make me laugh the way you do.
But I know that wouldn’t be fair to you. And that’s what I am most sorry for. Because all I would ever want for you is for you to be as happy as I am.
an old friend