Today, I have that heavy weight in my head, that weight where depression usually sleeps or lies dormant. But in this moment, right now, today, she is wide awake and trying to steal away my happiness. And because I have been feeling so well, for so long, I am mad with myself. Why? Why do I have to deal with this shit right now?
I’ve been sleeping too much, I haven’t been exercising enough, I haven’t been eating properly. I drank too much wine Saturday night. These are the things I tell myself. This is my fault. I’ve fallen down on keeping up my resiliency and so today arrived this loathsome visitor. But wait. Why am I blaming myself?
I told, rather warned, my fiancée that I was feeling “emotionally unstable” last night. His reply, “You’ll be okay.”
My first thought: how the fuck do you know that?
My second thought: what does he see when he looks at me, and I’m telling him these things?
You see, I don’t look unwell. I look absolutely okay. A little distant maybe. Lost in the waves of this immense ocean. But in an hour, I may smile, I may laugh, I may crack a joke. But all the while, what he doesn’t know is that depression has a tight hold on me. During that laughter, it still falls like a waterdrop in the background of a sunny day. It’s often always there, and even if I do forget it, it’s only until I remember after the laughter has passed, that the depression hasn’t. Depression is like a bad joke that takes a while to forget. At least for a while longer.
And so, I said out loud and to myself and in front of him, “I need to be kinder to myself.”
Yes, I need to be kinder to myself. What’s happening may not be what I want to be happening, but it is what’s happening and that’s okay. It’s okay because it is just what’s happening right now and in this moment, and I can deal with that. As they say, whoever they are, those more intelligent than I am, this too shall pass.
If I break…wait, I’ve already been broken. So, maybe if I break instead how I’m feeling down into fractions of time, and recognize that these emotions will come to pass, this depression will become a little easier to handle today. Emotions really are fleeting. And so that’s what I tell myself.
I tell myself that it’s okay to feel however you’re feeling. It’s okay to not have an explanation for why you’re feeling this way. It’s okay to look okay on the outside, and be a huge mess on the inside. It’s okay. And you know what, I’m going to be okay. Hell yeh, I’m going to be okay.
Mandy Elaine ❤